My children blame me

True story

I feel discouraged as a mother knowing that I am the primary reason why my children are behaving in a rebellious manner. I dedicated my time to work so that I could fend for them as their father spent most of his money drinking with friends.

My sons disappointed me. It was not their first time but this time they went too far. There were some major consequences which I struggled to accept. I kept asking myself if I was the one to blame for their irresponsible behavior.

Prisoner behind bars

As a parent it feels great when your children obey and do everything according to the way you teach them. When they disobey, it troubles you because you ask where you went wrong.

I struggled to give my sons a decent education that my parents could not afford as I wanted them to have a brighter future. I watched them grow and make choices as adults. I did not choose for them but they did so at their own will.

 It brings joy to see your children getting excellent results at school and getting employed. I was always praying for them to get better jobs so that they could afford to give their children a better future.

I got the shock of my life as a police van pulled outside my gate. Two detectives came in to inform me that my sons had been arrested for burglary and murder. It was really hard to understand what they told me and at that moment I felt helpless.

They accompanied me to the police station and it all made sense now as I could see them in the holding cells. The worst part was hearing them confess that they committed the crimes. I was deeply hurt as a mother and I asked where I went wrong.

I did not know what would happen to them but I just sat and prayed. I was asking God to forgive them and that if they went to jail; they learn from their mistake and come out as better beings.

I still ask myself where I failed them as a parent. I sacrificed the entire part of my life preparing a future for them. I admit I was always busy and did not spend much time with them, but is this the way they repay me after working tirelessly for them?Would this determine myself worth? Was I a failure just because they had made some wrong choices?

What advice would you give this parent? Help this disappointed wife and mother by giving your views and suggestions to her situation.

Career Women's issues: Advice column

Career Women's issues: Advice column

Advice column

Hie

I am a 30 year old married woman having problems with my husband. We have been married for the past eight years and we were blessed with two handsome boys. Every month we could afford to spoil ourselves and have extra cash for savings. We had a really great life before he lost his job.

Desperate

Life has never been the same.I am employed as a supervisor at a 24 hour food outlet. We survive on one salary and it is not enough to cater for all our family’s needs. Due to the situation at home, I sometimes work for extended hours so that I get an overtime allowance. I knock off so late that I get home when the children have long gone to bed.

My husband no longer trusts me as he thinks I am having an affair. My knock of time is not consistent, depends on the amount of work available for that day. I sometimes work double shifts especially during weekends, month ends and even the holidays as there are many customers during that period. I miss spending time with my family as I will be trying to make ends meet.

Recently there was a family gathering in the rural areas and they had to go without me as I had a busy schedule at work. My in-laws worsened the situation as they perceived that I was an arrogant wife who prioritized her job over family. I’m in a terrible situation in my marriage as my husband is considering divorce. Should I leave my job which is our only source of income?

Desperate

Advice

Dear desperate

I understand what you are going through and it is not easy to abandon your job over such issues. I would advise that you find time to sit and talk about this issue with your husband. You should take into consideration that you have children and the implications of the divorce on them. Also consider going for counseling, it will really help.

Matty

hello dear

I was once in a situation similar to yours. It was really painful knowing that l had to work during weekends and holidays and not being able to spend time with my children. l humbled myself and spoke to my husband until we reached and agreement, He understood my working environment and how it was contributing to the survival of the family. I encourage you to sacrifice the little time that you have when you are not at work, it is really helpful to the family. Divorce is not the solution to your problem.

Patie

Readers your views and suggestions concerning this issue are most welcome.  

NB: The names and images used in the story are not real.

How does it feel?

Mr. Brown works outside the country and visits during the holidays. He sends money every month for the upkeep of his family as well as extended family. His wife is employed and also earns a good salary.

They communicate almost on a daily basis and he trusts that his wife would be faithful enough to fulfill what they would have agreed upon. She normally buys groceries for her mother in-law who stays in the rural areas and he is the only child.

Mrs. Brown loves competing and takes advantage of the fact that her husband is not around and sends groceries once in three months. She loves to compete with colleagues and makes it a point that every month she has to buy something new so that she can boast. Her children come second as she is concerned about spending lavishly at her workplace.

She spends so much to an extent that she forgets about her mother in –law who lives alone in the rural home. Whenever the mother in-law pays a visit, she will be disappointed because she has to buy groceries for her on her way back home.

Is this fair treatment to the husband who works tirelessly to meet the needs of his family?

What advice would you give to a man facing such a situation in marriage?

Sharing Finances

I was very independent with my finances before marriage. I was employed as a teacher for three years, earning a good salary that could sustain me for the month and beyond. Every month I could afford to buy new clothes because I did not have responsibilities since my parents were also working.

My husband and I stayed for 2 years before thinking about starting a family. I had freedom over my salary as l could spoil myself with facials as well as expanding my wardrobe. I used to live a happy life filled with the best memories ever.

I miss those days as I can no longer afford to go out for drinks with my friends, let alone visiting. With marriage comes a lot of responsibilities which at times make me regret that moment I said “I DO.”

Finally, I got pregnant and that was the most anticipated news. Things fell apart as I could no longer spend as desired. My husband started monitoring my account to an extent of banning from accessing some luxuries.

I was depressed emotionally as my freedom was taken away from me. I use to get sick towards monthend knowing that we would go to the bank together and there was a long “to do list” waiting at home.

I was frustrated most of the time as he would afford to squeeze in money for his drinks with friends yet I could no longer buy a new pair of shoes.

Reader’s what can she do in such a situation? Is it a wise move to combine finances in marriage?

Life is unfair

Mrs. Thandiwe Ndlovu is an Information Officer in a reputable mining company located in the city. She only reports to her boss the Director of Information and Public Relations. When the boss is away on duty or has taken some leave days, he usually leaves her in charge of the department.

She knows how to handle internal and external matters within the company including the media. Mrs. Ndlovu has brilliant communication skills which have led to the growth of the department as well as the company as a whole.

Tragedy strikes and the Director is out of the country attending a conference. An accident occurs at the mine and ten workers are pronounced dead. This is due to the negligence of the company and they have to find a way of dealing with the press.

The Director has to leave the conference and attend to the disaster yet in the past he always communicated with his deputy on how to deal with whatever situation that may arise in his absence.

Does this mean that Mrs. Ndlovu is not capable of dealing with such a situation or is it a way of undermining her capabilities? Is this fair treatment to an employee who has worked in the company for more than ten years doing the same job?   

Have your say!!!

Women and In-laws

A group of housewives have come together to rescue a mute woman in their society who was abused by her husband and in-laws for four years.

Her husband and his parents have now been arrested, while the woman and her daughter will be shifted to a women's shelter in Chembur. The victim (35) used to live in an orphanage in Amravati until she was married four years ago to Vivek Galgali (40). Soon after, her life became hell.

Her in-laws caged her in a tiny room, beat her up, sexually assaulted her and threatened to send her back to the orphanage. Numerous wounds and marks on her body testify to the torture and exploitation she suffered. For full story click here

This story displays how women suffer in the hands of their in-laws. One may ask if it is a crime to be married. Most young couples end up filing for divorce because of the treatment they receive from their in-laws.

Quite a number of employed married women are no longer going to the rural areas for the holidays due to the treatment they receive from in-laws especially mothers. People even go to an extent of volunteering to work extra hours as a way of avoiding spending the holidays with in-laws.Some women are labelled "lazy" because they are always busy with their work and do not have time for family. What should a woman do in such a situation???

Your views and suggestions might be useful to a woman suffering in silence.

Women protect abusive husbands

Women worldwide suffer from domestic violence in one way or another. The majority of these women are afraid to report their abusive husbands as they are the breadwinners in the family. They sacrifice to live with abusive partners for the sake of the children even if they no longer have the love and affection for their partners.

Employed married women will pitch at work on a Monday with a swollen face  or a bruised neck but prefer to lie so as to protect their husbands. Women always fins a silly story to ay and one of the common statements is “I slipped walking down the corridor.” 

Most of these women even lie to the doctors when they seek medical attention, coming up with a silly story because they cannot imagine a family without a father. 

These are some of the questions a woman would consider before reporting her abusive husband:

How will I tell the children that their father is in jail because he beat me up?

How will they treat me knowing that I am the reason why he is in jail?

How will we survive because I am unemployed?

What will my in-laws say when they know I am the reason why their son is in jail?  

Domestic violence is real and in some cases has led to death. Women should take a stand so as to put an end to it. It has been discovered in Zimbabwe that women are fond of protecting abusive husbands. Follow the link for more  here

Why people engage in domestic violence?

I'm 35 and I ask myself if this is the man I fell in love with. The man who I regarded as my best friend, the one who shared my joys and sorrows. I never imagined that he would turn out to be physically violent with me at any time.

Having been in a domestically violent relationship for far too long before I had the strength to get out of it, after having gone through therapy,I learnt many things I never imagined that I would live the life that my mother went through.

My parents' fights were very infrequent and the most was mom getting upset and leaving the house for a quick walk and then coming back kissing and making up. Domestic violence was new to me.

I never imagined being punched in the jaw ten years after our marriage? Never knew that until after I suffered from it. The abuse included physical abuse, verbal and emotional abuse on a daily basis. It is hard to not think you are the problem when every day you are told it is your fault; you are crazy, stupid, lazy, whatever.

What advice would you give to the newlyweds who can be at the mercy of these perpetrators?

My story of discrimination

I have worked for this company since 2000. Nearly since the beginning I felt discriminated because I was the only woman and working as a secretary.

 My boss told me not to speak my native language at work when I communicated with my colleagues during lunch breaks. Even after trying to reassure him that I would never say anything in my own language he insisted that I only communicate in English as this was the language for professionals.

Since the very day I began working, I felt that I was treated differently because I was not speaking the dominant language amongst employees.. One of the managers asked how I got employed as a Ndebele speaking person of all the applicants.I felt very hurt and humiliated once again, as his tone was very condescending and racist. I told him that I was born in Zimbabwe and hold a Zimbabwean passport, therefore have a full right to work in the company.

During my employment I suffered from harassment and bullying from my manager and other colleagues, some of who were Shona speaking. At all times I felt that I was not welcomed at the company, my manager asked colleagues from my department to spy on me and report back to him, he created very hostile environment for me.

I was discriminated on the sex ground too. I was disciplined for my maternal duties to my children, for example when I had to take a call from school about my child or had to leave work earlier because my child required medical attention. Many other employees within the same department were benefiting from flexible work hours, but not me, so I felt I was treated very differently from the beginning.

Every individual has a right to be employed regardless of race or ethnicity as long as they hold the relevant qualifications. Did this employer have the skills of leadership? What advice would you give to someone facing such a situation where they are working. 

The day I will live to regret

It is a very hot day and the temperatures are unbearable. Mirriam is walking towards the terminus from work and a car hoots next to her. She ignores at first thinking it is just  passing car but  the  hooting persists  until she responds.

She frowns at first because she is irritated by the sound of the hoot and the scorching sun.  To her surprise, she notices it is her high school classmate John, whom she last saw when they completed their Advanced Level education.

 She quickly jumps into the car as he offers her a ride home. John asks her out for drinks so they can catch up since it is long since they last met. She gladly accepts the invitation and they drive to a local bar. the conversation takes longer than expected  and they do not realize it is getting late.

They leave around 2000hrs and he drops her at her place.  As the car leaves, Mirriam notices her husband standing by the gate with an unusual look on his face. She greets him and he ignores and she quickly senses danger.

 As she closes the door behind her, she is slapped. While she tries to compose herself , she is pushed  to the floor and is beaten thoroughly.

Are the actions of the man justified as he beats the wife without asking where she was coming from.

Have your say…

I can't do this anymore!!!

I have always dedicated time to my family despite pressures from work. i am always responsible and committed but lately I am not enjoying the life I have always longed for. I hate it. 

I have been married for the past 12 years with two kids under 10 years. Full time employee with a well paying job. 

Lately though I can't shake the feeling that I need to run away from it all. I can' t handle the pressure anymore. Longing for those simple conversations with my family which I cant do. Those precious family moments that always create memories. I can't give anything to anyone any longer. I just can't. I need to just run. 

I have been always thinking of a divorce but now I think I can't even take the kids. 

I don't know whats going on. I need to find a job and move but even that seems so hard for me to do. I picture myself moving but sleeping for a month....I just tried to sleep this afternoon (NOT A NAPPER) but I couldn't, so why do I picture myself sleeping. I also want to keep a distance from everything and everyone and not even my sisters and parents. I just want to disappear. 

What troubles me most are my kids. If I leave them, I wonder if I would not want to be involved in their lives.I know you will all hate me for what I am, but I dont' care. I can't say this to anyone and even if I receive one helpful tip from all the nasty comments I receive that would be helpful. I don't know where else to turn. It's either this, or end my life....I just can't go on.... 

What advice would you recommend to this troubled soul???

What have I done wrong

Mrs Zanele Moyo has had a lovely day at work. She gladly smiles seeing that its ten minutes before the clocking off time and she has time to prepare for her examination the following morning.

While she is busy packing her bags the telephone rings and she is informed that her sister-in law has passed on. As a daughter in law she has to go and meet with the bereaved family.

She is expected to help other daughters in law as well as aunties who are preparing supper for family, church members, friends and neighbours who are coming in to convey their condolences. After a church service has been conducted, some leave and close friends and families remain behind.

As a daughter in law she assists the aunties in serving food to the mouners. The family is called aside to discuss funeral arrangements as well as contributions towards the funeral expenses. The discussions take longer than expected as it is discovered that the deceased did not have any funeral policy and everyone has to contribute.

Mrs Moyo leaves well after midnight and has to prepare for the last examination before she completes her Bachelor of Science Honour’s Degree in Human Resources Management.

Will she be able to focus for three hours in the examination? Send your views and comments .  

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Career Women's Forum

A good day to you all...

I take this opportunity to welcome you to my new blog :Career Women's Issues. This blog is focusing on the challenges that employed married women encounter both at home and at work and how it affects the development of their careers. Its primary focus is on how employed married women manage to strike a balance between their work as well as family at the same time.

A variety of newspapers and magazines, both hard copy and online have covered a lot of stories with domestic violence as one of the leading factors hindering the development of employed married women. According to published articles, most employed married women are described as failing to conduct their household duties due to work pressures. They are prone to being harassed either by their spouses or relatives, especially in-laws who label them "lazy." 

"Spending the day in the office hinders married women from fulfilling their wifely duties?" This platform is open for debate and discussions as well advice on issues affecting employed married women. It is not restricted to women but men are also welcome to participate.

Please follow the blog discussions on www.facebook.com and www.twitter.com. The author is looking forward to your contributions.